A couple of months ago I celebrated 10 years of being a mom! 🎉 Often one to reflect on things I thought I would share ten things I have learned in my decade of motherhood. Whether you are a mama-to-be, holding a toddler on your hip, parenting a teen, or reminiscing on the "remember whens" hopefully you can find some sense of camaraderie in one of life's greatest titles! Read on to find out what I would have told the younger mom version of myself.
1. The sleepless nights will end...
Okay, maybe you were blessed with a baby who slept from the night you brought him or her home, but let's face it; that isn't the reality for most of us! My oldest was 6.5 years, not months, old before she slept through the night. By the time we reached that milestone I had had two other children and was pregnant with my fourth. Thankfully, I didn't let the sleepless nights dictate my life and made the best with what I was given. Were there tears cried? Absolutely. Did I wonder in those early days and months if I'd ever sleep again? 100%. Now as I nurse my fifth baby in the middle of night, I am not as bothered by the wake ups, knowing these nights will soon end.
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2. Don't compare
Not knowing firsthand what another parent may go through with their own child it was easy for me to never compare my only daughter at the time to others her age. That all changed when her sister was born though. Suddenly I found myself comparing my second daughter to my first, ie she's not rolling, she's not signing, she's not talking, etc. I feel into the trap of thinking "well, my other daughter was doing this by now, so so should she." Once I was able to take a step back and teach myself to use the word "yet" as in she's not rolling...yet, I was able to breathe a bit easier and enjoy the waiting for my second daughter to reach whatever milestone she was working on. And let me tell you, sometimes the wait made those milestones just that much sweeter!
3. Dishes can wait
I was four children in before I realized a home, especially one in which we homeschool and do the majority of our life in, can look just that; lived in. After the birth of my fourth daughter the dishes in the sink at the end of the day used to make my skin crawl. My husband, whom I'm thankful is very much an active parent in this house, works long days and I wouldn't pass that expectation on to him and none of my kids were old enough at the time to help with this job. How did I make it through? By learning to sit with the uncomfortable thought that I can't do it all. I literally had to retrain my brain to see the dishes in the sink, realize they weren't a threat to my ability to be a good mom/wife/person, and do the bare minimum to get us through to the next meal. The process was super uncomfortable for me (I have OCD) and I have since seen the other side. While it's not my favorite, I can actually leave the dishes in the sink and enjoy a game with my kids, read a book, or enjoy a show after bedtime guilt free. Why share this with others? Because I believe in celebrating the little and big accomplishments we experience in hopes that it might reach the person who needs to hear it.
4. Give choices
One thing I've learned is children like choices, even from an early age. To avoid as many power struggles as I can, no matter the age, I often give two choices. "Do you want to brush your teeth or put on your pajamas first?" "Do you want to give a hug or a wave goodbye." Given two choices they are usually able to choose one. And on those nights when they are too tired to choose and I've asked? Well, then, I step in and choose for them. I think, overall, they are much more compliant children when they feel like they have their own choices to make. Compliancy translates to easier to handle... most of the time anyways. 😉
5. Add water
When in doubt, add water. I'm not sure where I originally saw or heard this idea, but it has worked wonders - multiple times. Kids acting up? Kids melting down? Kids fighting? Add. Water. Whether you choose to let them play in it, take a bath or shower, or simply encourage a drink, it can almost instantly save your sanity. 🌊
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6. Come up with a family code word
Okay, so one time we (my four kids at the time and I) were on the trampoline and it was a bit chaotic. My youngest wanted to jump, but her older sisters weren't hearing her and it was just becoming, well, not enjoyable. I got their attention, told them this wasn't working, and we needed a code word of sorts for situations like this. One of my older daughters blurted out a word - if you're my friend in real life you have likely heard me use it - and it stuck. I now use that word when I need to let them know "mom is not messing around, listen up." I try to use it sparingly, so it still holds its value, and I'd say it does even 2+ years later. Here's your encouragement to do the same!
7. It's not you, it's me
I'm not breaking up with but hear me out. So often in parenting we can feel triggered or overstimulated by various things. Two children are fighting, one is needing their butt wiped, another child is asking you to read, cue the perfect time for another child to start playing the piano - loudly. What's a mom to do, you ask? If you're like me, it's easy to give in to that situation and simply react. We are only human, right? True. But I do know the more I am able to meet my own needs first before addressing whatever is going on around me I am much more likely to respond to the beautiful chaos in front of me instead of yell at my kids for simply being kids. I don't believe in "bad" or "naughty" kids and I wish society as a whole would stop using these labels. I do believe in raising ourselves, alongside our children, and addressing the root causes of our own frustrations.
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8. Be flexible
Oh, how I wish I would have realized the importance of flexibility earlier on in my parenting life. I don't know if it's a combination of getting stuck on autopilot, my type A personality, or "if it's not broke, don't fix it" that made me a bit too rigid in who I was as a younger mom. Truthfully though, the more children I have and the older said children get, flexibility is proving more and more to be my friend. Wish she would have shown up earlier!
9. Last thing
This isn't actually the last thing I've learned. Rather, it's a phrase I use when we're ready to transition from one activity to the next. I know some parents count to 3, but I don't have the patience for that. 😅 Some parents give a 5 minute warning, but not all kids know the concept of time yet. Enter the phrase that has saved me from a meltdown more than I can count. Leaving the park? "Last thing!" Leaving a friend's house? "Last thing!" Leaving the library to head home? "Last thing!" Whenever I give that verbal cue to pick their last thing, they know that we are leaving one activity and heading to the next.
10. Make memories, not money
I could spend a lot of time on this topic, so I'll try to keep it short. I used to have a lot of anxiety when it came to spending money. Anything outside of what I budgeted for that month would cause me to obsess (hello, again, OCD) on whatever expense I hadn't accounted for. I've been a stay-at-home mom since 2016 which of course came with its own challenges in the beginning. In 2020, my husband and I set out to follow Dave Ramsey's debt snowball plan. By the end of 2021 we had accomplished our goal of crushing almost $60,000 in debt! Even through our debt free journey, we were already very much the family who valued experiences over presents for birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays. We didn't want to sacrifice too much in the sake of our children only being young once. Then I had a friend, with two young children, diagnosed with cancer in August of 2021. That right there was enough to help me loosen the grip of anxiety I felt over money even more. The idea that I might not have as much time with my children if something so unfortunate happened to me shook me. The year following her diagnosis we opted for more traveling. We wanted to make memories with our children while we were both healthy and able. And then, I lost my own mom unexpectedly in December 2024. Suddenly all of the memories I have of my mom were made freshly new in my head. The foundation we had laid in honor of my friend was now being carried through a different and difficult season. Now more than ever I want nothing more than to make all the memories. There will always be bills to paid, a house to fix up, something else vying for my attention, you name it. Once I learned time is our biggest commodity, life changed. Maybe you can't take a big vacation. Maybe the thought of requesting time off of work makes you nervous. Well, then, start small. Consider taking a random Tuesday afternoon off just because and take your children out for bowling. Or maybe you give up eating out at restaurants for a few months and use that money to take your kids to a hotel for a night instead. Whatever it is, I'm here to say, small steps in prioritizing time spent with your kids over making money has long lasting impacts. Far beyond when we're gone.
